Cheers and Jeers: Wednesday

The President goes on:

For all that we do in the federal government however, everybody has a roll in responding to this virus. We need state and local governments on the front line to make antivirals available and be ready to take whatever steps are necessary to support the health-care system.

Sept. 1, 2009

We need hospitals and health-care providers to continue preparing for an increased patient load and to take steps to protect health-care workers. We need families and businesses to insure that they have plans in place if a family member, a child or a co-worker contracts the flu and needs to stay home.

And most importantly, we need everyone to get informed about individual risk factors and we need everyone to take the common sense steps we know can make a difference. Stay home if you’re sick, wash your hands frequently, cover your sneezes with your sleeve, not your hands. And take all the necessary precautions to stay healthy. I know it sounds simple but it’s important and it works.”

—President Barack Obama, September 1, 2009

Eleven years later his successor would like you to deal with our current viral outbreak by thinking about injecting bleach, shoving a UV light bulb up your butt, taking untested drugs, listening to a pillow company infomercial salesman’s advice, gathering in large groups and, now, letting the “herd mentality” sweep over us and kill two million more Americans.

Just a thought, but perhaps maybe we should vote him out of office???

And now, our feature presentation…

Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, September 2, 2020

Note: The street sweepers were out in force yesterday in our neighborhood. Good news: the old lady next door managed to get out of the way in time. Bad news: her walker now belongs to the ages.

By the Numbers:

20 days!!!

Days ’til autumn: 20

Biden-Trump matchup numbers in Georgia per a new PPP poll: 47%-46%

Biden-Trump matchup numbers among independents in Georgia: 56%-30%

Members of the U.S. military who plan to vote for Biden and Trump, respectively, according to a new poll published by Military Times: 43%-37%

Percent chance that Jerry Falwell’s spawn, Jerry Jr., is now under investigation for fraud and ungodly acts at Liberty University: 100%

Shrinkage in India’s economy during the first quarter of the fiscal year, which ended in June: -24%

Age of legendary Georgetown basketball coach John Thompson Jr., the first Black coach to win a national men’s college basketball title, when he died over the weekend: 78

Mid-week Rapture Index: 183 (including 3 gogs and 17 days ’til the Big Event).  Soul Protection Factor 24 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.

Puppy Pic of the Day: Leaf season approacheth…

CHEERS to miscalculations of the miscalculating kind. Not sure who the brilliant tactician was who coughed up the strategy of having the president encourage vigilante violence and police brutality on his watch, then dare his challenger to condemn the violence thinking he wouldn’t do it, but there it is. Result: Trump is now the candidate of lawlessness and Joe Biden is the law and order and peaceful protest candidate:

Why, it’s almost like Trump just missed a three-foot putt. Sad little choker.

CHEERS to votes in high places. I’m so old I remember almost four years ago when newly-minted Keebler Attorney General Jeff Sessions openly licked his chops over the prospect of going to war against the marijuana legalization movement that was sweeping through state after state after state. I also remember how quickly he retreated once he saw just how far past the tipping point the country had gone. And now the movement has reached the exalted United States House of Representatives, where Democrats (and likely some Republicans) are prepared to put the federal government’s stamp of approval on recreational pot use this month:

In a Friday email to lawmakers, [House Majority Whip James] Clyburn (D-SC) said the House would take up the Marijuana Opportunity, Reinvestment and Expungement (MORE) Act, first introduced by Rep. Jerrold Nadler (D-NY), which would remove marijuana from the Controlled Substances Act.

Willie is 87.

The MORE Act would also expunge prior marijuana-related convictions, and impose a 5-percent sales tax which the federal government would reinvest in communities harmed by the “War on Drugs” through the creation of an Opportunity Trust Fund. […]

In a statement to Marijuana Moment, Rep. Earl Blumenauer (D-OR), a known advocate for marijuana reform, said the bill was an opportunity to make amends for decades of discriminatory law enforcement. “After many months of hard work and collaboration, we finally have a chance to end the failed policy of prohibition that has resulted in a long and shameful period of selective enforcement against people of color, especially Black men.”

It’ll be the first time either chamber of the legislative branch has voted to admit that the 80+ years of using “reefer madness” as an increasingly-racist, politician-wielded cudgel for maintaining “law and order” was bullshit from the git-go. Oh, and one piece of advice for Democrats: make sure that Opportunity Trust Fund has a fuckload of legal language that prevents it from being raided for things like, oh, say, the border wall. Like good weed, Republicans’ fingers are mighty sticky.

CHEERS to happy endings.  When I was a kid I used to think that this joke I thought up was hilarious:

Q: How long did World War II last?

A: One day.  It started on September 1 and ended on September 2.

[Pees pants from laughing so hard]

Anyway…75 years ago today, President Harry Truman proclaimed September 2, 1945 as Victory Over Japan Day, ending World War II.  But Truman refused to fly onto the deck of an aircraft carrier and deliver the news under a “Mission Accomplished” banner.  His exact words, I believe, were: “Only an idiot would do that.”

BRIEF SANITY BREAK

END BRIEF SANITY BREAK

CHEERS to a quick decision. Bill Barr’s Justice Department really, really wanted the D.C. Circuit Court of Appeals to throw out the case against Michael Flynn, Trump’s corrupt cult buddy who pleaded guilty to lying to the FBI about conducting official U.S. government business from inside Vladimir Putin’s shorts. And this week the court responded, rendering its decision with gravitas equal to that contained in Barr’s rationale for dropping the case against the traitor. And I quote:

“Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!”

“Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!”

I hope this doesn’t drag out until next year, when Flynn would be sentenced under the Biden administration and face prison time with no hope of a pardon. Because, see, he was the guy leading chants of “Lock her up!” at those 2016 Trump rallies, and golly it’d be awful embarrassing and—what’s the word?—boomerangy if he ended up being the one behind bars. So let’s hope that doesn’t happen, I said as I started a 62-day winking jag.

CHEERS to Republicans.  No, wait…I mean the good kind!  On September 2, 1901, President McKinley’s Vice President, Theodore Roosevelt, spoke the immortal words, “Speak softly and carry a big stick.”  A sentiment so simple, so powerful, so indelibly etched on the wall of history, so ingrained in the national consciousness that, of course, only Glenn Beck could screw it up 108 years later when he said on the air:

BECK: We speak without fear, while basing it all in fact.  Walk softly and carry a big stick.  That ain’t a gun, man.  That is the facts.

Of course, the modern GOP would revise it a bit themselves: “Speak softly, or loudly, or however you want to speak as long as you’re beating the crap out of anything that moves with a giant stick, preferably one with a nail sticking through it.”  Yeah…that reads better.

Ten years ago in C&J: September 2, 2010

CHEERS to slaying the phantom menace.  Well, well, well.  This will not be welcome news for the folks who SCREAM ABOUT SCARY BROWN PEOPLE STREAMING THROUGH OUR POROUS SOUTHERN BORDER TO MURDER, RAPE AND PILLAGE THE AMERICAN WAY OF LIFE AND DROP THEIR ANCHOR BABIES!!!!  Um…you’re dopes:

The number of illegal immigrants entering the United States has plunged by almost two-thirds in the past decade, a dramatic shift after years of growth in the population, according to a new report by the Pew Hispanic Center. …

[Jeffrey] Passel, an author of the new report, noted that in recent years, illegal entry has gotten more expensive, harder and more dangerous.  “We know that it’s harder to sneak across the border than it was four or five years ago, and especially than it was 10 or 15 years ago,” he said.

Another right-wing talking point goes down in flames.  But never fear—the Minutemen can still take heart in knowing that one form of immigration is up.  Namely, legal immigration.  Quick!  Polish the binoculars and scramble the lawn chairs—we’re goin’ to CODE RED.

And just one more…

CHEERS to cool science. When all the death, doom and destruction get to be too much, there’s always one place I can count on to restore my faith in humanity. I’m speaking of course about Dairy Queen. But when they’re closed the next-best place is, of course, NASA, a jewel in the federal government’s crown and an agency worth every tax dollar we send its way. If you happen to live under a sky, here’s a preview of what you’ll be seeing this month, courtesy of NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory:

Happy viewing. We now return you to your regularly-scheduled doom and destruction and Trump. Pardon the redundancy.

Have a happy humpday. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?

Today’s Shameless C&J Testimonial

“What our findings suggest is that if disagreeable people had been nicer and maybe more communal to Bill in Portland Maine, they might’ve had a leg up in the competition for power.”

—Prof. Cameron Anderson

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